I might be a little bit of an asshole. I've never been willing to shut my mouth and let things just happen - even when they're little things like this. You see, things like sexism and racism? They're -sneaky bastards-. They'll worm their way into a meme or a joke you think is cute or funny and before you know it - you'll be throwing a whole race or gender under a bus with a smile on your face. All the while saying to yourself, "I'm not a racist!!!"
(Except that you are. What was that point I made yesterday? Denial of a racist situation - IS racism.)
I have a problem with "cute memes" which dump on entire groups of people. I feel as though I can say with some confidence that there is no such image which isn't -disgustingly- offensive.
"BUT SANDRA, THAT'S CALLED POLITICAL CORRECTNESS."
No. Avoiding saying things which make a group feel marginalized, less than, or mocked is called TREATING PEOPLE WITH RESPECT. A point -lost- on a great many people.
I don't know if the original creator of the meme was -intending- sexism or racism, a point brought up by my husband:
Husband: As far as the sexism goes - it's not "anyone who can't do those is a bad woman", it's "this is stuff that's unusual now". But underlying that is a. Ha-ha, I'm better than you! and b. The implicit suggestion that this is what women should be like. Particularly the "be loyal" thing. That's very "what the fuck".
Husband: The hair thing ..firstly - they -never- thought that hair you can't put up in a ponytail may have a significant racial component to it. It obviously didn't occur to them that most black women can't put their hair up into what's typically considered a "full ponytail". It's not that they're explicitly going, "Ha-ha, you're black, therefore I'm better than you." It's an inability to think beyond their small circle of caucasian friends with fairly straight hair. It's really offensive to say something like that -outside- that small circle of race. It implies value judgement about something which is -not- something which can determine someone's value. It's a physical impossibility.
Husband: They didn't -think-. They didn't think "You can't do this, you're bad." They thought, "I can do this, my friends can do this. Can you??! Are you as good as us?"
Me: Know what accidental racism because you weren't thinking is?
Husband: Racist.
Me: It's -racist-.
Unfortunately, people don't like having their racism attacked - even their accidental racism. Instead of owning that something they said might be perceived as racism and using the experience as a means to grow, people tend to get pissed.
I'm not -surprised- by that, I'm just disappointed by it. Being told that you exhibited racist or sexist behaviour can, and does feel like an attack. This is especially true with people who don't identify themselves as racists or sexists. We tend to see our sins pointed out to us as an attack on our character rather than as a means to grow and to move on - and that's a -mistake-. When you shut down suggestions on how you can improve on your offensive behaviours, you're condemning yourself to repeating them.
The person who posted the meme on Facebook -certainly- wasn't the creator of the meme, she was only the person within my sights who posted it. By posting it, however, she was guilty of -perpetuating- the ideals held in the image.
I attempted to point it out to her - first using my bitchery and sarcasm and then explaining in a calm and concise manner -why- it's wrong. THAT I don't have a screenshot of. Because she ragequit our conversation and unfriended me. But it went SOMETHING like this:
Me: That whole meme takes a few unimportant possibilities of a woman's character and implies that you are better than any woman who -doesn't- fit that criteria. It elevates one woman on the back of another woman.
Her: Like every other image on Facebook.
Me: ...so...what? Because it's common it's permissible? Something that is deeply offensive but that everyone else is doing is alright? I'm seeing Syrian refugees being dumped all over and treated like shit by the internet. Does that mean doing it myself is okay?
Me: Sorry - but I decided all on my own that it was wrong. I don't determine my morals based on what's trending on Facebook.
Me: That argument amounts to "but all the cool kids are doing it!". Come on..
And I was blocked.
She took the opportunity to go, "Wow that -is- fucked up, I will consider my actions in the future. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I never realized how sexist and racist that was!" and turned it into "Fuck you, don't tell me it's wrong. GTFO."
And like I said...I'm not surprised, just disappointed.
I can just -hear- a lot of you saying, "But Sandra...there are surely sources of sexism and racism that are more important to address."
The problem with that is that it's the Everyday Sexism and Everyday Racism that provide the skeletal structure of the more obvious Violent Sexism and Violent Racism.
- It's Kylie Jenner altering her face to make it more appealing while millions worship her for doing it.
- It's young black men being arrested more for marijuana possession and that translating to "black people use drugs more" rather than the reality of "black people are stopped and checked for drugs more".
- It's women feeling the need to put paint on their faces before they can take a photo.
- It's driving while black.
- It's body shaming a woman for not appealing to popular standards.
- It's someone assuming you can't speak English when they meet you because you're Hispanic.
- It's the perception that an unattended (read: unowned) woman is an invitation for harassment.
- It's black women kicked off a wine train for laughing too loud and offending the tender sensibilities of the white people.
- It's mothers who say they don't believe that a victim of rape is at fault but teaches their daughter that they should moderate their behaviour to avoid sexual assault (which is like saying, "It's not your fault except when it is.")
- It's the sexism and racism in our everyday lives that we look at and say, "But that's just the way the world is."
That something is deeply ingrained in our society has never been a good reason to do nothing about it. I'm sure that, before the Civil War, when someone wrinkled their nose at and denounced slavery - someone shrugged and said to them, "But that's just the way the world is."
I'm sure that before women were allowed to vote or own personal property - indeed, before we were really allowed to publicly have our voices heard - someone said, "Women are capable of SO much more!" and someone shrugged and said to them, "But that's just the way the world is."
No. That's the way the world is -right now-. We can change it. We SHOULD change it. We ARE changing it. We -WILL- change it.
Laying down and dying has never been the right option. Instead of sweeping everyday racism and sexism under the rug and denouncing it as "not important enough", it's important that we become better at IDENTIFYING it so that we can STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS.
Only then can we start to actually change things.
Meanwhile I will go on with me...oh...1200 OTHER Facebook friends who can take criticism without shutting down.
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